My favourite jokes

I like to laugh and have a good sense of humour.

To start off here are a few of my pics that have had captions added

Our initial reaction to each other

and now I am :)

Following are some jokes that have given me a giggle or two.

Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading a book entitled You can be the man of your house. He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law'.

'You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex I want.

'Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands and fluff my pillows and make me comfortable for a good night's sleep.

'Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, 'The f@#$ing funeral director would be my first guess.'

Married to God

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, 'No money in the bank.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'

He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!'

The patient replied, 'Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.'

Email

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email?

A: Rename the folder to 'Instruction Manuals.'

One Question

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one-question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad arrary of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board; 'Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.'

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the student who finished in one minute got an A.

The rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

This is what he wrote; 'What chair?'

Life

You have two choices in life; You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

Wrong Man

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'

'Yes I am. I married the wrong man.'

Husband wanted

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds, 'Husband Wan ted'.

Next day, she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing, 'You can have mine.'

Stolen husband

When another woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Incomplete

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

Marriage

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Marriage 2

A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'

Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

Marriage 3

A young son asked; 'Dad is it true that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'

Dad replied; 'That happens in every country, son.'

Marriage 4

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say … talk in your sleep.

Marriage 5

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Marriage 6

First guy says; 'My wife's an angel!'

Second guy remarks; 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Bus Stop

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him; 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies; 'If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

Success

At age 4 success is … not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is … having friends.

At age 18 success is … having a driver's licence.

At age 35 success is … having money.

At age 50 success is … having money.

At age 70 success is … having a driver's licence.

At age 75 success is … having friends.

At age 80 success is … not piddling in your pants.

Appointment

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm romantically.

The wife turns over and says; 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

Looking for wife

Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when they collide.

The first bloke says to the second bloke; 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second bloke says; 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The first bloke says; 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'
The second bloke says; 'Well, she is 26, 5 feet 11, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is wearing a tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like?'

The first bloke says; 'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours!'

Rose

Two old couples sit down to lunch at a nursing home.

One of the men says to the other; 'What did you do yesterday?'

The man replies; 'We went to the movies?'

'What did you see?'

'Ummm … what's that flower with a strong smell and thorns?'

'A rose.'

'Rose, what did we see at the movies yesterday?'

Tight Skirt

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young blonde woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more and, for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large bloke who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched; 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know you!'

The bloke smiled and said; 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we was friends.'

Poison

A man goes to see a Rabbi.

'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

The Rabbi asked; 'What's wrong?'

The man replied; 'My wife is poisoning me.'

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks; 'How can that be?'

The man then pleads; 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?'

The Rabbi then offers; 'Tell you what. I should talk to her. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says; 'I spoke to your wife. Spoke to her on the phone for three hours. For three hours I spoke to her! You want I should give you my advice?'

The man said, ;Yes,' and the Rabbi replied; 'Take the poison!'

Surrogate Father

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said; 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said. 'I've come to' …

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed. 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.'

After a moment she asked, blushing; 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six to seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointedwith that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

'This was done on top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh … equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

And that's when Mrs. Smith fainted …

Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer and, at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in; P... E... N... I... S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied;

--- PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ---